Some people I’ve known seem to think that jealousy is a healthy and normal part of a relationship. I disagree. I think jealousy is poison to any relationship. The dictionary says jealousy is mental uneasiness that arises from suspicion and fear. Suspicion and fear have no place in a good relationship. Still, most of us have seen relationships that tolerate and sometimes even seem to promote jealousy in partners. I have personally been in relationships with persons who were cross with me because I did not feel jealous of their attention. And, of course, I ended the relationship with anyone who was successful in triggering my jealousy.
Anthony Robbins, motivational speaker and personal power guru extraordinaire, says that jealousy is the signal that we have identified something we want AND believe we cannot have. The problem, clearly, lies in the idea that we CANNOT HAVE what we desire. The solution just as clearly lies in changing that limited belief system. We are limited by our beliefs, friends, not by reality.
One of my favorite authors, Steven Covey (Seven Habits of Highly Effective People & The Eighth Habit to name two of his best known books) explains the value and virtue of the Win-Win approach. This approach is really the only successful and profitable approach to business as well as personal relationships. In a love relationship is is absolutely critical. If you love your partner YOU will personally suffer if s/he loses and s/he will suffer if you lose. A Win-Win approach requires that both partners feel safe, loved, and trusted. Fear and its resulting jealousy cannot exist in a safe, loving, trustworthy environment.
So how can you deal with your own jealousy in a relationship?
I’m starting with you personally because it is the easier problem to solve. You can stop feeling jealous in relationships by accepting the FACT that you deserve and can have the relationship you truly desire. You are good enough, attractive enough, and moreover any little problems you may have can be changed. I’m going to share two simple ways to prove to yourself that you can have whatever your little heart desires.
The first is described in “The Law of Attraction” and “The Secret” and it is just the way your inner mind works. Your unconscious mind does a great many things for you. One of the things it does is create your heart’s desires into reality. Its doing this all the time without your conscious awareness but it gets confused when you dwell on what you DON’T want. See, this part of your mind works a bit like a computer. You program it by focusing on what you most desire. Your unconscious mind responds automatically by finding a way to make it happen for you. If you take the time to write down what you want, repeat it to yourself, or better yet create a mental vision of the day when you have exactly what you want. Think of how it will feel, how it will look, how it will sound, etc. Then revisit that daydream as often as possible. Your inner mind will find it so irresistible that it will figure out a way to get you there. Even without your conscious understanding you will be moving down the path to success.
This is the same process I use in hypnotherapy most of the time. I get my clients to define for themselves what success will look, feel, sound, and smell like. Then I walk them through a fun process of dreaming that success into reality. Their unconscious does the rest.
Only keep in mind that every time you focus on your fear or ‘worst case scenario’ you send your inner mind working to make that reality come to fruition. You don’t have to guard every thought. You simply have to recognize a cycle of worst case thoughts and cut it off by thinking instead of the outcome you WOULD enjoy. I use Google images and Pinterest boards to create my visuals since I’m more of an auditory person. Then I can look at my dream on my phone app whenever my slippery mind spirals into that worst-case fear fixation.
The second technique is even simpler. First you make a list of your goals. Then you chant Nam Myoho Renge Kyo a few minutes every day while reading your list and thinking about your goals. As you go along you will think of new goals and more specific definitions of your goals. Write them down and keep chanting no matter what. This process is based on the reality of how your heart, mind, and soul are set up.
Using either technique you will find that the technique changes you. Changing you changes everyone around you and even your environment. You can read more about how it works in the books I’ve mentioned and at the website sgi-usa.com. Neither of these methods are easy to fully understand but both are very easy to use. And the results will speak for themselves.
So how can you deal with your partners jealousy?
The short answer is that the above techniques will work to change your partner as well. They will change you in the process and your changes will change your lover. So the process is a bit longer and less direct and you may need some things you can do while you wait. Here are a few.
The person you love is afraid. S/he most likely has had experiences in the past that have triggered this fear. Take the time to listen to your friend and partner as they explain why they are afraid and when they had such fears realized. Deal with the fear in real TEAM fashion. Be caring, compassionate and constructive. Advice never helps in the face of fear, so don’t go there. Accept that this person you love and chose is intelligent and reasonable and that his/her fear is valid given past experiences.
Find ways to reassure and build trust. This kind of trust is built over time and based on honest communication. You may have to be judicious in your honest communication. If your partner is operating from a fear/jealousy state it may not be the best time to share honestly that you found some other person physically attractive that day, for example. That is not helpful at such a time. But let me make this easier for you.
Sexual attraction to your life partner will thrive, not suffer, from your attraction to others. (Finally, the sex! I hear you mutter.) This is how it works. We all get turned on when we look at (but don’t touch!) other attractive people (and even things like flowers and sunsets.) Then when we are good, honest, true, and trustworthy, we bring that liveliness home and make mad passionate love to our partner. The same happens when others find us attractive. We feel our own sexiness stir and we bring it on home to our partner. In fact we all NEED to feel sexy to initiate sex or even to respond well to our partner’s overtures.
Once you and your love are on board with how this works FOR your relationship, you can begin to share a bit more. The best way is to sight see attractive people TOGETHER. You sit at the mall or corner cafe and say, “Oh look at the attractive set of legs on that person! Honey, do you find his/her legs sexy?” and “Oh, looky, that man has YOUR back! See how sexy that is?” Really, start small and safe, say expressing interest in sexy flowers and sunsets. Then when that goes well, expand to pretty dresses or handsome suits or cute puppies and children. When you are both ready for full grown people start by drawing your lover’s attention to someone of YOUR SAME gender. Resist the urge to EVER question whether the person in your sight is more or less sexy than yourself. That is going back to the fear.
But when you can do this well together and then run home to make out, you will be on the path to happily-ever-after. The bottom line here is jea-lousy is lousy! Find its source, soothe it out, turn it around, and bring it on home! You can do it! And the rewards (*ahem*) are worth the efforts.