Love and Desire

A lot has been said about love and how allowing love to drive you will ensure that you make good choices.  I cannot fully endorse that, though it is a lovely idea.  I can’t endorse it simply because people have so many different ideas about what love is.  People who believe that love is what you feel are missing the boat.

Missing the boat?

Missing the boat?

But one idea I can get behind is that of allowing our desires to drive us.  Buddhism maintains that earthly desires are enlightenment.  The concept is this:  when we let our desires drive us we change our old patterns and create new positive forward movement.  As long as we exist we will always have desires.  We can let our desires drive us to new achievements, new quests, and ever new missions in life and as long as we do so our lives will remain fresh.  Our lives will forever be refreshed by our hearts’ desires.

In intimate relationships it is especially essential that we let desire drive us.  From the beginning our desires drive us to take risks, speak to the one we find so desirable, maybe ask him or her out.  While there is a sort of social president about who should do the asking and who should play it cool and wait, little in the way of happy relationships have ever been built by waiting or “playing cool”.  More potential relationships have been passed up by playing cool than have ever been ruined by letting our true feelings show.

The plain fact is, women are attracted to men of power.  There is no more romantic, attractive display of personal power than the willingness to risk rejection rather than be left behind and miss out on something truly fulfilling.  As far as the ladies are concerned, the right sort of man will be attracted to your true self.  This is the only sort of man you need to concern yourself with.  So gals, if you are driven by desire to do the asking, go right ahead!  The only sort of men you drive away are the kind who couldn’t handle your sexy personal power anyway.

Even more important than letting desires drive us to start a relationship is the concept of letting desires drive our actions in an established relationship.  A great many more relationships are started than are maintained through the slings and arrows of life to become the lasting sort of partnership so many of us long for.  So it stands to reason that how we begin is how we should proceed.  Though movies rarely bear out this reality, the courage and risk taking it takes to start something with a truly desirable partner is exactly what it takes to sustain a good relationship.  It doesn’t get easier.  We just get more aware of the benefits of taking that courageous step outside our present comfort zone to ‘kick it up a notch’.

Letting desires drive you in the bedroom is an important strategy for keeping that spark alive and kicking.  With our complicated modern lives filled with stress, deadlines, financial worries and multiple demands on our time and energy, its little wonder that couples often find themselves missing the boat in the bedroom.  In fact we should sing with gratitude for our good fortune whenever both partners reach the end of a day feeling any sort of sexual energy at all.  We should take for granted that most of our days will be spent laying side by side gazing at the ceiling, like two ships passing silently in the night wondering how we will recapture that spark.

Two ships passing...

Two ships passing…

We should take it for granted, but we should not let it become the norm.  To ensure that silent nights do not come to define our relationships, we EACH need to take responsibility and muster the courage to let our desires drive emotional risk taking.  Whenever one partner is feeling in a feisty mood, s/he should take charge and inspire the other.  Seduction is the name of this game.

Now before any of you start groaning and rolling toward the wall, let me clarify:  Seduction does not mean nagging or making demands. I dare any of you to recall a time when you were nagged or badgered into feeling sexy or turned on.  Neither will your partner.  Seduction is more about inspiring.  Seduction is about pleasing.  Seduction is a heck of a lot more fun than announcing YOUR desires. In fact, seduction is not about YOUR desires at all.  Seduction is about creating desire in your lover.

Also worth mentioning, your same ‘ol moves will not do in this case.  Knowing what your partner usually responds to is great but this is not the time to assume a “fall back” position.  This is about courage and daring.  Its about ‘kicking it up a notch’ even if only in a small way.  So don’t try ‘signaling’ to your partner about YOUR desires using your hands or body.  Try closing your eyes and letting your desire slowly build and flow through you until it drives your body, mind, and spirit.  Let it inspire a new pace, a new way of touching, a new way of relating. Set aside your old way of thinking.  In fact, set aside thinking altogether.  Let desire drive you to new ways and means.

Whenever YOU are feeling it and your partner is not, this is the perfect time to let your desires do the driving.  But lets do some troubleshooting.  Let’s say time goes by and your desires have been doing all the driving while your beloved is still lying there staring at the ceiling.  There are two basic fixes for this and you need to put BOTH into action.  The first is dialogue and the second is action.

When it comes to dialogue, aim to inspire with your words also.  So, pick the timing for the dialogue when you both are relaxed but neither is feeling turned on.  Then you basically need to have a discussion that goes something like this blog.  Teach your partner how fun and rewarding it can be to let ones own desires drive seduction.  You also need to gently unearth whatever causes are behind your partner’s lack of desire.  If its simply shyness, talk him/her through how you give reign to desire when you’re feeling it.  If the problem is your partner’s chronic exhaustion, you need to take a new kind of action.

You need to help more with the mundane tasks of life that are grinding down your lover’s desire.  Maybe s/he needs you to pick up the slack on the household chores, maybe s/he needs you to take more responsibility with the parenting.  Maybe s/he needs you to help with the financial demands.  Or maybe s/hes under some social pressure and needs your support.  The point is we all get worn down by physical and emotional demands and lose our zing.  If you are the one with all the sexual zing there’s a good chance you need to heft more of the load in the non-sexual arenas.  Give your partner the chance to re-energize and his/her sexual desire will better match your own.

Regardless of the underlying causes, the two of you need to dialogue about it.  This too takes courage and emotional risk.  We all get nervous when, “We need to TALK” and few of us have good training or experience in choosing the right words or tone.  So do your best to decrease your partners’ discomfort and you won’t become so focused on your own that you charge in like a bull in a china shop and make the situation worse.  Focusing on helping others is always a great way to help yourself.  In this case focus on choosing the words and tone that tell your partner you miss connecting with WHO they are.

While its good to let your partner hear your desire for him/her avoid letting him/her hear it as a demand or a request.  Remember none of us can “make” ourselves feel sexy when we aren’t feeling it.  So no matter how nice the request or how obsequious the begging it can only ever engender resentment.  Its a bit like asking your partner to fake an orgasm so you can feel accomplished…how can that end well?  Someone is going to feel Shanghaied.  Instead, genuinely seek to help your partner with the source of stress that is interfering with the sex drive.  I promise you, what helps your partner will help you.  That’s what a good partnership is all about.

Smooth sailing!

Smooth sailing!

Happy sailing!