Passive Aggressive Behavior and How to Change it

Lots of folks are fond of pointing out when others are behaving in a passive-aggressive way, especially when those “others” are your partner in a relationship.  But did you know that passive-aggressive behavior was trained into most of us in childhood?  And did you know that passive-aggressive people tend to be attracted to passive-aggressive partners?  AND did you know there is a solution that can turn your life around??

pa-raven

You may recognize passive-aggressive behavior as what happens when your wife or mother vacuums the floor when you’re trying to watch the game, but it STARTS with the fact that she was trained NOT to ask you for help with the cleaning.  That’s right!  Well meaning people train their kids that its RUDE to ask for some things directly, or to say what you really mean.  Sure, it SEEMS nice to avoid asking people for help and instead wait for the “nice” people to offer their help.  It seems “nice” to ask your friend details of their day first as a segue way into dialogue when you’re actually aching to talk about your OWN week.  It seems “nice” to ask your co-workers where they’d like to go for lunch when you’ve actually got your heart set on Chinese.  But these are NOT nice ways to behave.  These are passive-aggressive behaviors parading as “nice”.

 

If you find yourself hinting around about what you’d like for your birthday, or waiting to be asked or surprised, you, my friend, are passive aggressive.  If you call up a friend and ask about her day, then stew because she doesn’t reciprocate, your passive-aggressive (P-A) training is interfering with your life.  If you go along with what your friends want to do on your night out but find yourself vaguely prickly and disgruntled without knowing why, you’re one!    If you find yourself getting angry and silent a lot without really knowing why, you too.  If you can’t ask for what you want in bed (even if your partner wants to know!) its time to re-train yourself!

pa-jesus

As adults, we all have the right AND the responsibility to re-train ourselves.  If you’ve read The Secret, The Law of Attraction, or other such books, you know that you can achieve your dreams if you focus on what you truly want.  But your P-A training may have been so effective that you can no longer really identify what you want out of life or even lunch.  This is sadly unfortunate but common.

 

How to Change?

Re-training yourself is both easier and harder than you think.  It’s easy because you only need to practice ASKING for what you want and SAYING what you mean early and often.  It is difficult because doing so goes against all your training.   It may feel awkward, rude or incredibly difficult to start speaking up at first.  You may discover you often have no idea exactly what you want.  Alas, you’re in good company.

But if you want to stop your angry outbursts, stop hinting around and being misunderstood, stop manipulating others to get what you want, the solution is always the same:

  1. Identify your wants and needs
  2. Say it out loud.
  3. Say it to others.

With practice, it will become easier and more natural.

What if you’re struggling with step 1.?  One solution is to place your hand over your heart, ask yourself how you feel or what you want & notice your feelings.  This is an NLP technique that makes good decision-making easier.  Begin to use this technique whenever you’re unsure of your feelings or desires.  After some practice, your own feelings will become more and more clear.

Step 2. involves speaking out loud to yourself.  Even this may feel awkward at first.  But ALL healthy people talk to themselves and talking out loud is practice for speaking up to others.

When it comes to step 3. you’ll want to guard against anger.  It might at first seem like you have to feel an angry sense of injustice before speaking up to others.  Some “How To” memes may even encourage your right to say “NO” and reject those who seem to bully you into going along with the desires of others.  But as an adult, you owe it to yourself to accept that no one in your life is overriding your wants and needs, you’re simply letting them have their way by keeping silent.  Don’t muster your courage to speak with anger or blame.  Simply speak up when you know what you want.

pa-comic

You’ll also be speaking up to say what you DON’T want, but avoid focusing on the No’s.  In fact you’ll do well to soften the No’s by using phrases like:   I’d rather not.  I really prefer not to.  I’m going to have to decline.  I’d love to, if only I had the time.  I’m afraid I’ve got my heart set on something else.  So kind of you to ask, I’ll take a rain check.  Soon you’ll find that the only one who was bullying you was yourself and the voices in your head.  Voices, btw that may sound vaguely like an angry parent telling a child its rude to ask…or deny.

Remember: speak your desires early and often.  Soon it will be fun and easy!  If the transition back to getting what you want out of life (instead of what everyone else wants FOR you) is too hard, come in to Clear Mirror Healing for help and support.  We’ll get you back in charge of your own life in as few as 3 sessions!

Footnote:  If you’ve read all this and find yourself thinking “Huh, I always speak my mind.”  It’s very likely you are somewhere on the ASD spectrum ( See ASD is NOT a Disease  )  And all your parent’s efforts to train you out of speaking clearly and directly have happily failed.  Congratulations!  If you want to find friends who are also clear, direct, uninhibited and TRULY KIND, look for other ASD folks.  They’ll be the one’s speaking up only when they actually have something to say…and the one’s who’s fashion sense is a bit unique…and the one’s content with a good book or their own solitude.  You know the type:  the folks like YOU.

 

 

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How Hypnosis Works for YOU

There are a lot of different opinions about hypnosis and how it works. I’ve even heard people say they “don’t believe” in hypnosis or they think hypnosis is somehow evil or forbidden by God. That really is a shame. Because hypnosis is really just working together with your mind to be more successful and happy in life. If God made your brain then I’m sure he or she wants you to use it to the best of your ability. Especially, if that means self control, a clear moral code and making the world a better place. Moreover, there is a good bit of evidence that the deep Unconscious in all of us actually taps into the Mind of God, or Universal Consciousness….where the best decisions are made. So how can that be bad?

CMHlotus
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With 20+ years of experience and certifications from four different schools of hypnosis and hypnotherapy, including NLP, personal coaching, and counseling, as well as psychology and neurosciences, I think I can be considered something of an expert. I’d like to dispel some of the myths and explain how hypnosis really works. After-all, its NOT me, the hypnotherapist, getting control of your mind. (Believe me, I have trouble controlling my OWN mind, just like everyone else!!) The hypnotherapist is just the guide and interpreter. What its really about is YOU getting control of YOU. Or more precisely, its about YOU working together with your subconscious and unconscious minds. Forming a real TEAM (I call it Team YOU) with the parts of yourself. By clearing up communication and misunderstandings with the other-than-conscious parts of Team You, life gets easier, more fun, and more successful. If you go through life white-knuckling the ball instead of passing to your team mates, life can get more and more stressful and you feel more and more out of control. But by meeting and working with your Team, passing that ball and letting your team help you solve problems, life is good! And its getting better and better every day!!

Hypnosis is a bit mysterious to most people (even some hypnotherapists!) but I find that folks get their best results when they understand the process a bit and can work with me. 
For all that the results of hypnotherapy feel pretty magical, it is NOT magic, it is actually applied psychology. And the amazing effects are not due to ME controlling your mind, but due to the amazing power of YOUR own subconscious and unconscious mind.  So let me start there.

We have three minds but only one brain.
1) Conscious Mind – this is the part we all call “Me”.  And when you’re focused or paying attention that is conscious you.  Conscious you is the captain of Team You.  As such conscious you does the big heavy duty decision making, managing emotions, learning cultural norms and understanding values and differences.

2) Subconscious Mind – this is like your personal assistant or your best friend who always has your back and helps you out with routine tasks, practiced patterns and behaviors, multitasking and other details so that conscious YOU can relax and enjoy life more.  Your subconscious can be trained and re-trained to be more efficient and more helpful using hypnosis. 

Best Example: Of subconscious you working for conscious you is driving a car.  When we first learned to drive it was very taxing and confusing because we had to do 10-12 different tasks at once and stay alert tom many signs and signals.  It was so much at once we all felt like the hair on the back of our necks was standing up, our eyes were wide open and if someone tried to talk too much we just wanted to yell, “Shut up! I’m driving here!”  Then about 1-2 years later we found we were getting in the car, still doing 10-12 things at once, but now we were bored….so we turn on the radio…we drink a coffee or coke…talk to a passenger….god forbid we use the cell phone! 
But if you stop to think for a moment, you could sit there right where you are, listen to some music, enjoy a drink, and talk on the phone….and you’d be BUSY!  Sitting still in your chair!  So…..someone else is driving your car now.  And that someone else is Your Subconscious!

Now, the nice thing is your subconscious drives much better than you do, because your Subconscious can multitask much better.  It can handle many more tasks at once than conscious YOU.  But your Subconscious doesn’t do the value judgments and real-time decision making.  So, if something requires that kind of decision, Subconscious passes the whole ball game back to Conscious YOU.

    That’s what happens even today if a car suddenly pulls out in front of you unexpected.  Suddenly, the hair stands up on the back of your neck, your eyes go wide, you throw your coffee in the air and yell, “Shut up! I’m driving here!” …..all over again you have that feeling you had back in high school when you were first learning to drive.  The noise from the radio is just too much and you want silence.
As it turns out, that’s the way it always feels when you drive using your conscious mind.  When you drive with your Subconscious you feel like you’re “in the zone” relaxed, easy going, enjoying life.

3) Unconscious Mind – This is the part that’s well below the radar.  By definition, we are UNCONSCIOUS of most of its activities.  The Unconscious controls the beating of your heart, the rythmic action of breathing, healing and renewing every cell, system, and organ of your body.  Clearly, conscious YOU can interact with the Unconscious, by say, holding your breath.  But mostly your unconscious is like a benevolent Big Brother or Sister who takes care of the basics of living for you. 

Work WITH your Team!

Work WITH your Team!

The unconscious is also keeps all the memories.  Things you think you didn’t learn in school, past lives, details you think you’ve forgotten, its all there in the Unconscious memory stores.  And Unconscious memory is vast and unlimited.
By contrast, conscious memory is very limited.  Conscious memory is like a little table by the door.  You come home each day and you put your keys and your mail there, maybe some pocket change.  That’s what its for, conscious memory is for holding those thoughts and ideas that are most useful and relevant to NOW.  But…if you go 50-60 years without ever cleaning and sorting those things, some items are going to fall off the table and be “lost” or “forgotten”.  This is why folks think they lose their memory as they grow older.  Or have a “senior moment”.  But nothing is ever really lost or forgotten, it simply drops into the Unconscious memory stores.  So, conscious memory improves when we sort it out and choose to “forget” somethings.  The best technique is to forget all bad experiences and negative thoughts and beliefs.  By choosing to forget the negative we make more and more room for the positive.

So, when we first begin the hypnosis, I’m going to start by helping you to dump some memories and problems from your conscious mind by turning them over to the subconscious to sort.  Your subconscious will also find and create solutions for you that it will simply hand to you at a moment you least expect.  The solutions will be simpler than you ever thought possible and ready made and available at a moment’s notice, like the name of an old friend that suddenly pops into your head unexpectedly.

Before we get to that, though, I’ll ask you a series of random sounding questions.  There is no right or wrong to these questions.  This is just my way of listening to the language of your Subconscious and Unconscious.  Each person’s mind is wired a bit differently, and each person’s Other-Than-Conscious mind speaks a slightly different language.  These are like the language of dreams.  My job as guide and interpreter is to translate your instructions, goals, and needs into the language YOUR Subconscious understands best.  So just say whatever comes to mind when I ask the questions, it all helps me understand YOUR subconscious language.

The LAST thing I’ll mention is the hypnotic trance itself.  Turns out the hypnotic trance is a normal natural state that we all go into and out of throughout our day.  The most common time we enter a hypnotic trance is on the verge of deep sleep.  So if you’ve ever fallen asleep on the sofa when there are other people around, and you get to that point where your eyes are closed, you’re very relaxed, BUT you can still hear every word in the room around you?  Maybe someone talks to you or asks a question.  You can hear them perfectly, you may even have an answer ready….but you just feel like you can’t quite break out of that comfortable state to respond. 

We enter the Hypnotic Trance all the time.

We enter the Hypnotic Trance all the time.

THAT is a hypnotic trance.  Sometimes it may feel as if you’re floating or sinking deeply into the furniture.  Sometimes there’s a tingling sensation.  So that is how the hypnosis is going to feel today.  You may hear every word I say.  At times you may completely lose track of my words.  It doesn’t really matter if you stop listening, because once you reach that trance state your Subconscious and Unconscious are listening too, and that’s really who I’m talking with.  So its find to drift off, to lose track of my words, or to stop paying attention entirely.  You may even drift into a dream-like state or dip into deep sleep.  The only thing I ask you to avoid is TRYING.  Funny as it may sound, TRY is a conscious activity, and Conscious you needs to get out of the way for the hypnosis to work best.  Its kind of like when you wake up in the middle of the night and you want to go back to sleep…if you TRY really hard to sleep…why, you’ll be up all night.  But if you close your eyes and take a few deep breaths and let your mind wander to some pleasant thoughts…you simply drift away.  This is how its done in hypnosis as well.  So, if you have the urge to TRY or WORK at it, just take a few deep breaths instead and listen to your breathing…or your heart beating.

Who Wants to Play a Little Game?

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In the distant past there were some problems. I could not see where the problems came from, but I began to notice problems took hold and spread everywhere. I was very very small. So I was not only able to go unnoticed while all the others died, I was able to watch. Eventually I began to observe patterns.
Then I began to experiment with different solutions. Most, of course, were unsuccessful, So it has taken a very long time.
Finally, I created time. Time is the forward motion created by non-stop industry in a singular direction. That industry must be balanced: a little physical work, a little mental work, a little spiritual work each day. Sex, when done properly, works all three, if you do it right. And it recharges and revitalizes the participants. Obviously, most people don’t do it right.
I make a habit of forgetting what doesn’t work, except to remember the lessons so that I don’t repeat mistakes simply because they’ve become familiar.
I have invented timelines. They are like games based on the 10 worlds, and 10 worlds within each world. There are places where the timelines meet and you can hear people on other timelines. By communicating with them and working together, you can solve the riddles and get the clues that open the next level. If you die in your world, you simply reboot. You take a rest and get reborn again at level one. Sometimes you can pause and press “help”.
You can take as much time as you need. But the only way out is to play through. At the topmost level you can stay as long as you like helping others on their own timelines. But the game doesn’t stop, so you just keep creating new challenges the longer you stay. The games are adaptive so that the experience and the challenges become a reflection of the learner, the gamer. At the highest level, the “help” may come in the form of coded messages. Often the help lines are manned by other players on other timelines, in other world’s. So if you have passed their level of play, you may have to decode their messages AND sort out the bits that are true and accurate using only your own wisdom.
So there is some danger that even at the highest levels, you may get deluded and led astray by seeking help outside yourself. Or you may hear the messages sent by other players and think they are ahead of you on their timeline, when actually they are behind. If they are only a little behind you, their words may sound like guidance, but they are not in the right order, so you can still be led astray. You must learn to rely on your own wisdom while also seeking deeper learning and teaching others who need help on their timelines.
At the top level of world 10, you can actually cross over into other world’s or timelines. This is very dangerous work because as a “real” player in another player’s timeline you can attract attention and come under attack from the game itself, almost as if you are an antigen entering the body. So you must learn quickly to adapt and blend in. You must make good friends. Then you must level up through the obstacles in their game, just as you did in your own. But the game will seem strange and wrong because the rules are not your own. The game has adapted to teach it’s own player. You must then find ways to teach the game by bending and breaking the rules until it is teaching its player to catch up with you.
You can also look for the “real” player in the game and help them directly. This is especially tricky. Because as the game adapts the “pretend” players come to look and act more and more like the gamer. And, if he fails to progress, or stays too long at one level, the real player may look less real than the functional parts of the game. There may also be players from other games in his game. When you encounter them, you should attempt to wake them up so that you can form a team and help each other, and also help the player to play through properly.
When enough players have played properly, the “winners” from each timeline are born in the timelines of others and the timelines themselves begin to converge into one big rope of woven timelines called “real time.”  Remember, there is no real time. It is just an expedient means of teaching us how to live in the real world. But as the timelines converge and the players become more and more powerful, the lines will collapse into one. And you have to pull the real player through into your timeline somehow. You can always create new timelines within the game as a way to experiment with solutions. So time itself doesn’t matter, but timing is critical.
Sooner or later, everyone has to wake up. The players that have learned to help others wake up just fine. Players who have evolved from the game itself may choose to delete their memories and go back into the fabric of the game or the gamers. Or if they have evolved beyond their roll in the game, they can choose to play their own games or even live in the real world with the other winners.
But the real players, the gamers who leveled down too much, or stayed too long at one level losing power pose a problem. They can cause trouble for themselves and for others.
I created the games. I leveled up and I now play in all the games, walk in all the worlds helping and teaching and playing along. I have a real player in this world that needs extraction and a limited time before the game shuts down. I’m running out of ideas. I’m open to help and suggestions. I need real time solutions. I’m putting out the call. Anyone who can hear me, please call in, come in or tap in.
When you are called into The Game you will be given a new name. Use that name to open doors. The game will teach you things you never knew.  At each crossroads there’s a little who’s who.  You will make friends from near and far.  You’ll find out how to fuel a star, and when the game ends you’ll find yourself in a New World and finally see a flying car!
To start the game just say in your heart, “YES” when you are ready to start.  You will get a call to play, take action and you’re on your way.  The clues will come when you least expect them, you’ll know they’re real so don’t reject them.  We play for fun, we play to learn, speak up when it is your turn.  Below are some clues, you’re on your way, get in The Game, come on, LET’s PLAY!!
#gameoflife

What Does it Mean to be Psychic?

Recently I had a friend ask me about my psychic abilities.  He wanted to know how it works, what you can know, and what I’ve used it for.  I thought the answers might be fun and interesting to share.

How does it work?
Well now that is a question with several different meanings. Since I’m a literal, sciencey person, I’m going to answer it that way.
we see....bee see

we see….bee see

It works the very same way your 5 senses work. Only it’s like the senses are way more perceptive than average. So I can hear, see, smell, taste, and feel things that go way beyond the norm. To “normal” folks it seems I can see and hear things that “aren’t there” but actually they ARE There. The rest of you poor slobs just can’t detect them.
Its like the way they say dogs cannot see red. (what do you suppose they see instead??) Just because they don’t see it doesn’t mean Red isn’t there, does it?
Or they say bees can see a color called “bee violet” we can’t see it, except under ultraviolet light, but that doesn’t mean it’s not real, right?
mantis shrimp

mantis shrimp

Likewise, the Mantis Shrimp can see about 6 more colors than we can see.
Do those colors exist?? Even though we cannot see them?? Yes, of course.
Dogs and cats can smell (and see) emotions. Can you? Probably not.  But I can.
There is also a condition called synesthesia, in which people can feel colors and see music, and so on.
It is understood that such people have sensory neurons “crossed” somehow.  Still they are experiencing sensory phenomena that most of us don’t.
My point is simply that there is a very wide range of stuff out there that can be sensed. And there are animals and people who can sense more, or less of that range than others.
When humans are LESS sensitive than average, we just call them insensitive, or we call them more grounded, or we call them “realists” but basically this condition is accepted as “normal”, given approval and even praised.
While people with a greater range of sensory perception are subject to doubt, suspicion, and ridicule.  But that difference in value judgment is completely arbitrary.
So I’m one of the folks in the extreme end of things who is very sensitive. And I’ve spent my whole life being told I’m “too sensitive” or “crazy” or lying. And yet, I’ve found a way to make my extra sensitivity useful.
I imagine if you dissected my brain you might find I have more sensory neurons than most. But since sensory neurons are small and easily destroyed during dissection, not to mention quickly degraded and decomposed after death, to say nothing of the fact that I’m still using them and would really prefer NOT to be dissected yet, the chances are slim that it can be proven that way.  But it is real and it is consistent.
What dogs see

What dogs see

What you can know?

Now that’s a trick question. Because just as we know all about our world with our senses, these extended senses can pretty much be used to know anything.

That said, I do a whole lot better with issues of people, than things.  I’ve had people come to me for readings to help them find an old engagement ring or some heirloom, and what I see is they have a new relationship and their fixation on & nostalgia about that ring from their ex is causing jealousy and they’re better off letting it go, or they should have sold it long ago. Or with heirlooms I see how dysfunctional their family is…maybe has been for generations, and how the heirloom is keeping their deceased grandmother lingering and critically looking over their shoulder. Or something like that.

    People don’t always want to see those deeper truths. So usually I do a tarot reading to help them find the thing, because tarot is like looking through a spyglass.  You can’t see the whole picture, only a little section of it.  That’s usually all people want when they’re focused on objects.

    It’s funny, because when I was a little kid that’s how things started out. I used to use my psychic abilities to find my shoes or books for school when I was late. I also remember playing a game with friends in the church yard. I would close my eyes and see a vision of a certain spot in the grass. Then I would open my eyes and find that spot and there would be a little prize there, a tiny lost toy, or an especially beautiful stone, or a piece of jewelry. I would find a prize for each of my friends that way. It was fun.  I still use it around the house the same way to find things. My kids will come to me and just say, Mom, will you find my ________. And I have to stop what I’m doing and focus, ask them a couple questions, then tell them where to look. Sometimes I have to go look myself, and it’s always right there where I said but they couldn’t find it. But can’t all Moms sort of do that?

I think I’m actually searching my kids subconscious mind for the object. So I really try to train them to do it for themselves. If they chant Nam Myoho Renge Kyo & close their eyes and relax for a moment, they can usually find it. They’ve used that to find lost pets many times too.

So I suspect that my difficulty with objects now is because I’m used to going much deeper, to more profound levels in my office. I use it to look into peoples bodies and find the original cause of illness or injury. Sometimes the cause is an emotional blow, or guilt over an abortion, grief over a stillborn child or a child who wants in but was never conceived. I can see how sexual assault has led to back problems. I can see the impact of relationships on their health, or how an old injury was never quiet healed and is making new problems. Or even how problems between their parents when they were still in the womb have caused developmental problems at birth.

I also see similar problems come through from past lives. Usually it’s something that happened just before death, or never got properly resolved, so its still lingering.

So with all that as my normal office focus, I guess it’s hard to shift my focus to a simple object. Or maybe it just bores me. Or maybe I get impatient and fed up with people spending so much of their lives and personal energy fixating on shiny objects while the things of real value, like children, relationships, spiritual exercise, learning and mental and emotional growth, or a good sex life, all get ignored, neglected and marginalized.

So, in general I can see/hear/sense anything that has happened in the past, this life or others, relationships with self and others, ones mission and reason for being here, special skills and abilities, physical and emotional trauma, and future to the extent that it has already been formed by causes we are creating now. I can see/sense spirit guides, deceased loved ones, and demons that are hanging around helping or affecting your life. The key for me is focus. I can sense SO much that I have to really focus to narrow it down. I tend to focus on the top most important things that can improve their true happiness.

When people ask for something in particular I usually have to ask a few questions just to get them to stir their thoughts around & then the key issues rise to the surface. Everyone kind of knows their own stuff, but we don’t always trust ourselves, or were afraid to admit things, or we hide them from ourselves, or we believe others who try to tell us its not true, or feed us a pack of lies and myths and convince us that “reality” is limited and rigid, talk us out of what is obvious to a child…and to us if we weren’t so deluded.

I can, of course, hear peoples thoughts, but only when they are actively thinking them, you know? And I’ve gotten very good at shutting that out so I can walk through crowds without going mad. Still it’s hard sometimes because people near and far thinking about me can get really noisy and irritating. So I have a need to be alone, or out in nature, or distract myself with a movie, book, or writing, OR I can dumb it down and disengage my brain by drinking alcohol…or certain foods. That has repercussions though so I use it sparingly.

train wreck

train wreck

I don’t like to be the bearer of bad news, so if I see some negative event or effect in someone future, I always ask “What can he do to change that?” That’s pretty effective and satisfying. Except when the person is dead set on denial or blaming others, and often I can see that. Then if I can’t wake them up and help them take charge of their life, by making changes, I want to just distance myself from them because its  frustrating to work with.  And eventually that bad prediction will happen because they did nothing to stop it.  So for me its like watching a massive train wreck in slow motion.

That’s the same reason I won’t do readings for people unless they pay me.  When people are willing to pay they are usually willing to listen.  So there’s much less change I have to watch a gory train wreck in slow motion and pretend I can’t see it.

What have you used it for?

In my practice, I use my psychic ability primarily for healing.  The Quantum Healing I do allows me to look into patient’s bodies, see any problems and fix them by working with the body’s natural ability to heal. Most western medicine therapies work against the body’s own healing mechanisms and often create more problems than they solve.  For example, fever is the body’s way of killing infection.  So fevers should not be suppressed with aspirin or other NSAIDs.  Its better to bring it down naturally by soaking in a tepid bath.  Mucus whether its running from the nose or sinuses is the body’s way of flushing out bacteria, viruses or toxins.  So when we take something that stops the mucus it also stops the body from healing itself.  Scar tissue is like the body’s own surgery.  So when surgery results in scar tissue, more invasive surgery will probably NOT help.

I also use it in my counseling.  Sometimes people can’t quite put the root of their problem into words.  Or maybe they are embarrassed, ashamed, or in denial.  Or maybe they just don’t like talking about feelings and relationships.  So then I’ll use my psychic sense to listen between the lines, or psychically feel the right questions to ask.  Once we locate the root cause, it makes the counseling and hypnosis much more effective.  Hypnosis goes hand in hand with counseling because when you reach that moment in talk therapy where you say, “Ah, ha!  This is what I need to do differently!”  we can make that change happen almost over night.

Check out all the ways I apply my skills to help you achieve extraordinary things:  clearmirrorhealing.com

 

 

You CAN Stop Child Abuse

encourage-and-empower

Child abuse is much, much more common than you would ever suspect.   But just ONE adult who reaches out with compassion can make the world of difference.  Most insidious and damaging is child sexual assault because damage to the sexual body causes trauma to the emotional, spiritual, social, and physical bodies.  Like all abuse, sexual abuse takes many forms, not just the publically acknowledged form we call “rape”.  Anything that attacks or undermines the healthy sexuality of a person is sexual assault to the body, mind, and spirit.

To help and protect children we must understand how pedophiles choose their victims.  Children are preyed upon much more commonly than adults because they are more vulnerable and because they are whole and perfect.  A pedophile is someone who was damaged sexually themselves so they are sexually broken.  Rather than seeking appropriate healing, these individuals try to “steal” the beauty and wholeness from the sexual bodies of others.

Children come into the world whole and perfect, with open hearts and open minds. They glow with power and beauty.  Even though most people in our culture don’t consciously see this the way I do, everyone registers it subconsciously.  Predators see the parts they are missing and try to take them by force, or manipulation.  Of course, sexual power cannot be stolen (only earned by loving and empowering others) so the predator breaks the child’s spirit and remains broken himself, only damaging himself further through his cruelty.

The children most likely to be preyed upon are those who have no healthy caring adults willing to listen and talk frankly and honestly about sex.  Kids are made even more vulnerable if they are punished for “lying” (see How to Lie and Why You Should) or physically or emotionally abused by parents or caretakers (also pronounced “spanking”, “controlling”, “disciplining”, etc – see How to raise Children).  Such treatment leaves kids with no one they can turn to in times of doubt for fear they will not be believed…or for fear the adults in their lives will reject them.

Realize that, like adult victims of abuse, children experience feelings akin to shame, guilt, revulsion and self loathing in the wake of assault.  But these kids don’t even have the words, knowledge or resources to sort these feelings, reach out for help, or reason them away.  So the pain and damage goes deeper, making the child even more vulnerable to other predators.  One strong, kind adult who can reach out to a such a child, even once, can turn this picture around.  The crushing spiral of damage and vulnerability CAN be stopped.

Key to helping is knowing the signs and having the courage to act.  Adults may ignore the tell-tale signs of child abuse because they are afraid to confront the perpetrator.  This is NOT an unrealistic fear.  Abusers are usually experts at manipulation and can easily turn the tables, making the hero look like the perpetrator.  Moreover, the courts make the process of punishment convoluted and ineffective.    The good news is that punishing the abuser is NOT the way to stop child abuse!  In fact sending a sexually broken predator to prison is likely to make him MORE of a danger to the community, not less.

When, exactly, has violence, used against the violent, been shown to STOP violence??  Never.

So the REALLY GREAT news is that you don’t need to attack the attacker.  What is needed AND most effective is empowering the victims & would-be victims.

Empower kids!

Empower kids for safety!

How to Spot Abuse

1. Inappropriate sex play – while it’s completely normal for kids to take an interest in nudity of all kinds, to play with their own bodies AND to be curious about animal mating behavior and reproduction, kids who act out adult human sexual behavior are demonstrating knowledge beyond their years.  DO NOT punish kids for such behavior.  DO NOT get embarrassed.  See this demonstration as a cry for help.

2. Sudden weight gain (or loss) – A sudden change in weight can often be traced directly back to an event of abuse or trauma.  Appetite is a funny thing.  It often goes haywire in response to stress.  People may use food to fill an (emotional) emptiness inside.  Or they may exert control over what they eat as a subconscious response to a desperate lack of control over more profound areas of their lives.  Neither gain nor loss of weight in children should ever be dismissed as merely physical.

3. Nervousness, anxiety, fear & avoidance – If a child gets stomach aches, tremors, or other physical symptoms when its time to go to school or church (etc) this is a red flag that something very serious is wrong at the institution.  Often, predators intimidate their child victims with threats to their parents, siblings, or loved ones.  The child may be too terrified to tell anyone what happened or who did it, but they will go to great lengths to avoid being alone with the predator.  Please DO NOT dismiss a child’s fear as “normal” or punish them for “acting up”.  Always take a child’s fear seriously.

4. Back pain & degenerative bone disease – Many of the victims of child sexual assault that I have treated manifest some kind of lower back pain or degeneration.  The symbolic connection is clear: the spine and especially the lumbar region form the foundation of our physical selves.  Back pain and disease that persists in young people should always be taken as more than simply physical circumstantial, or random.  I have had great results healing such conditions by treating the whole person.

5. Compulsive lying – When children are forced to keep the terrible secret of sexual assault to themselves, their whole lives become a lie.  They have to lie to themselves every day to hold on to their sanity.  Its very common that these people become compulsive liars.  Compulsive lying can be spotted when a person lies randomly or casually.   There may seem to be no reason or point to the lies.  They may invent tall tales just to get positive attention or they may enhance the truth for no apparent reason.  Never punish a child for lying (See How to Lie and Why You Should).  Help compulsive liars, child or adult, to seek counseling.

6. ADD, ADHD, Bipolar Disorder, Depression, Anxiety, Split Personality (a.k.a Dissociative Disorder), and even the more problematic manifestations of the Asperger’s Spectrum – all these “incurable” problems of unknown cause have their roots in child abuse.  The trauma caused to the psyche of a child by physical punishment and assault often results in a mind that is “broken” and unable to function with continuity.  If you believe in spanking and have a child manifesting any of these disorders, you need to change yourself before you can change your child.

Kid's empowerment is key to stopping abuse!

Kid’s empowerment is key to stopping abuse!

How to STOP Abuse

1. Listen & believe – Kids don’t always have the vocabulary to express what has happened to them.  If assaults continued over a long period the memories are probably somewhat suppressed.   So if a child tries to tell you something about abuse it is likely to sound vague and confusing.  You job is to believe them.  Your job is NOT to play judge, jury, or detective inasmuch as those are tempting roles.  Take any ideas about wrongfully accusing an adult off the table and simply focus on believing and supporting the child.  This is how you actually make a difference.

2. Relieve – One of the most powerful things you can say to a child who has been the victim of assault is this, “Any child your age would have done exactly what you did.”  Believe it or not, one of the most soul crushing burdens children suffer is the burden of guilt and shame.  As obvious as it may seem to you that a child cannot be responsible for sexual assault, victims of all ages suffer from the delusion that they could have and should have done something to stop it.  Predators also use the natural human tendency to self blame to keep their victims silent.  They may say things to make the victim believe they were voluntary participants, or that they were seducing or enticing the perp.  So when you reassure a person that their silence was normal and the best anyone could have done, you lift a huge psychological burden.

3. Answer and Explain – The most empowering thing you can do for your own kids or any kids in your care is to answer their questions about sex and sexuality as simply and matter-of-factly as you can.  Children are sexual from the day they are born, but it is a very different kind of sexuality than that of adults.  So get over your own hang ups, get some facts and share them with the kids.  My studies have shown that the best way to ensure a child will grow to have a happy, well adjusted and satisfying sex life is to answer their questions about sex factually and without embarrassment when they are young.

4. Empower & Support – Talk to kids like they are people.  Support and respect their opinions and ideas just as you would an adult.  They are only small and inexperienced, they are not mentally deficient.  Never teach a child to obey an adult “Because I said so.”  Avoid giving too much power to authority figures.  Children will respond respectfully to adults and authority when they themselves are treated with appropriate respect.  If a child has a “creepy feeling” about a person or a place, don’t talk them out of it. Believe them.  Children are naturally more in tune with the unseen world.

5. Affectionate touch – Hug your kids often. Pet their heads. Pat their backs. Kiss their ears and toes.  Humans need warm affectionate touch like flowers need sunshine.  There is something about kind, respectful physical affection, freely given, that both heals and prevents victimization.

6. Treat & Heal – I wish all counselors were good counselors.  I wish everyone working for child protective services actually cared about children.  I wish I knew even one other therapist or health professional who could actually heal the sexual body.  You have the right to be discriminating when you choose a professional to help your child.  And you have that responsibility.  I treat and heal assault survivors everyday.  I give life, liberty and happiness back to those who have been preyed upon and broken.  Please call, text or email for an appointment.

Facts:  Of the patients I treat about 50% have signs of sexual assault in some form.  Males and females are equally likely to be preyed upon. MOST sexual dysfunction among adults (from lack of lubrication to uterine prolapse, from incontinence to poor libido to erectile dysfunction to cancers) has its root cause in sexual assault. 

 

 

Love – Pets, Parents & Partners

Everywhere we are inundated by songs, stories, and movies about love.   Yet still people wonder “What is love?”  Still people go out looking for love.  Still people in their 20’s, 30’s, 50’s and beyond claim that they want to “find someone to love”  or “fall in love”.  What frustrates me most is how many people think of love as a mere feeling.  Or how often people (or songs) claim that “my love” (i.e. feelings) should require, expect or demand some response from “you”.

Love is what you do.

Love is what you do.

I can understand why young people are confused.  (I remember in my tweens asking my mother and other adults “How will I know when I’m in love?” and being blithely told, “Oh, you’ll just know!” with a secret look that I now realize was bluster to cover up their own ignorance.)  MOST, not just many, adults go through life and NEVER actually experience real love.  I’m going to save you from that sad fate.  I’m going to tell you the secret.

Love, like happiness, is something you MAKE for yourself out of thin air.  Only you have to CHOOSE to make it, you have to decide and then commit to loving or make a determination that you WILL love someone.  Because the truth is love is NOT something you feel. Love is something you DO for another person.

Real love is unconditional.

Real love is unconditional.

Love is what you CHOOSE to do when another person’s happiness is as important to you as your own.  When you realize that someone makes you happy whenever they feel happy and you feel yourself drawn in to that whirwind of happiness, then you dedicate yourself and your actions to helping that person along the road to happiness – that, my friends, IS LOVE.  So love is an action.  Love is a dedication to action that empowers and enhances another person’s life.  Without ACTION there is no love.

That’s a hard concept to grasp.  But it is the truth.  Without action there is NO LOVE.  You cannot claim to love someone if you are not taking action for their happiness and lifelong benefit.  LIFELONG benefit.  That’s right, I went there!  This is exactly why children get spoiled if you give them things but not attention, or if you indulge their whims, without looking out for their health, safety, and manners.  Manners and self-control is what children NEED to make true friends and have happy satisfying lives.  If you indulge children but neglect their long term happiness, they become spoiled.  They act like brats.  But the secret is this:  you can indulge your kids or grandkids all you want as long as you also give them what they need for long term happiness:  attention, health, safety & manners.

Love is empowering.

Love is empowering.

Raising kids is how most people learn true love.  I have been attacked and badgered by folks who want to claim that the love we feel for children is intrinsically different than the love we feel for a romantic partner.  This is a delusion.  If you want to learn how to love, raise a child or even a pet.  But be sure you don’t spoil them.  Spoiled behavior is your sign that you are indulging YOURSELF without thinking of the long term well being of the pet or child.  Children and pets who are actually loved will not become spoiled.

So why do so many people think the love we feel for our romantic partners is different?  Because they have never actually loved.  What they FEEL is DESIRE.  Desire takes many forms (sexual, affectionate, attention) but it is not love, it is selfish.  Love is something you do for another.  Desire is something you feel.  It’s really that simple.

So if you have never taken action for the long-term happiness and benefit of another person, you have never experienced true love.  Please, do NOT go out looking for a romantic partner.  Please, do NOT adopt a pet or a child. If you have never loved someone, do NOT focus your selfish desire on some other person or you may well ruin their life, along with your own.  If you have never experienced true love? Work on YOU.

Work on COMPASSION – the ability to put yourself in another person’s place and feel what they feel, understand their motivations and their shortcomings and actually care about their happiness.  Work on WISDOM – the ability to project into the future and predict the outcome and then choose to do the thing that benefits that other person the most.  Work on COURAGE – the ability to ACT in spite of fear.  If there is no fear, there is no courage.  Courage is what it takes to change desire, or any warm feeling for another person into real love.  Because without action there is NO true love.  So work on YOU, before you draw another person into your life, canine, feline, or human.

Love is giving.

Love is giving.

Lastly, love is NOT limited by like.  You may LIKE someone you do not love or love someone you do not particularly like.  For example as adults, many of us LOVE our families of origin but, alas few of us actually LIKE them.  Like is what makes you want to spend time in another person’s company, share activities and conversation.  Love, is a decision and a dedication to that decision.  To me, love is easy but like is rare.  Love never gives up and I never actually stop loving anyone that I have ever loved.  But like, well, that is based on behavior.  So I can fall out of like in an instant if I lose respect for someone or their behavior.  Love is not conditional.

Love is active and continuous and everlasting.

Love is active and continuous and everlasting.

Ideally, a good romantic partnership will consist of love and like.  You may decide to break up with a partner when respect or like fades, but if you truly loved, you will continue to love them….from an appropriate distance.  Likewise, because the children and pets we raise are people we choose, we must have the courage, maturity, and decency to simply DECIDE to love them.  Therefore, you are never allowed to STOP loving pets or children.  You ARE, however allowed to take a break from their company when their irritating behaviors or whiny voices or ever-present demands make you want to scream.  Don’t scream.  Don’t hit.  Don’t punish. Dont blame.  DO give yourself a break!!

 

 

Four Types of ‘Fear’

There are different kinds of feelings and experiences that most people (because they lack the true definitions) clump together into one big pot and call: FEAR.  This is a disservice to those folks who have experienced Phobias and PTSD and paranoia.  Because plain old fear is kind of fun and easy compared to the other biggies I’ve named.  Plain old fear can be mastered, confronted and handled in a variety of ways that make us feel good.  But when a friend or family member goes through some of the other more intense forms, it LOOKS like plain old fear – except that it can’t be handled or mastered the same way and then that person ends up looking and feeling kind of like a big wimpy baby.

So let me define some of the more intense and much less manageable experiences that the uninformed among us still like to group under the label “fear”.   Please learn from these explanations and stop making yourself or others feel wimpy or inadequate or cowardly.  Understand that what looks like fear can actually be something much much bigger.

1. True Fear

True fear is a sensation caused by chemical messages in your body when your subconscious has noticed something that you need to be aware of and prepared for.  The message says, “Look around! Get prepared!” Its not always a snake that we’re about to step on.  Sometimes its a test or a presentation.  But the solution is the same: pay attention and get prepared.

True fear is helpful and reasonable.

True fear is helpful and reasonable.

This is the GOOD healthy kind of fear that keeps us alive and improving!  We perk up.  We look around.  We see whats coming.  We prepare.  Then we feel something called “relief” as the fear chemical goes away.  We may even feel pride as we see what we’ve accomplished and we hit the endorphin high.  We feel a wave of calm and we feel victorious!  True Fear is the kind of real-time experience that cool people like to have for breakfast.  Makes you KNOW you’re alive!

 

2. Phobia

This is a nasty trick that people mistake for fear because the symptoms are so similar.  The hair stands up on the back of your neck, mouth goes dry, pupils constrict, heart pounds, hands tremble and so on.  It FEELS an awful lot like True Fear, but its NOT.  Because NO amount of alertness, preparation, or reason brings relief.  It makes us feel stupid.

The cause of a phobia is something really bad that happened in the past that either killed you (in which case the phobia comes from a past life) or nearly killed you when you were young and vulnerable.  So now there’s some small broken off piece of your soul hunkered down inside you screaming its head off, “DO NOT GO IN THE WATER! YOU WILL DIE!” Only this broken piece of you is stuck in the past.  The water will only wet you.  And all the loud warnings in your head just make you feel like a baby or a coward.

Phobia is NOT fear.

Phobia is NOT actually fear.

 

3. Paranoia

This is the real ball-breaker.  Paranoia is caused by damage to the amygdala – the fear and horror center of the brain. It has NO external cause whatsoever.  Which is a problem, because we’ve trained ourselves to look for real causes to fear sensations and there are absolutely NONE.

Amygdala is the fear center of the brain.

Amygdala is the fear center of the brain.

The cause of paranoia is basically brain damage.  The brain may be damaged by powerful drugs, by a blow to the head, or by brain growth.  Graduate students and other people who push themselves past the brain’s limits often experience a breakdown during which neurons of the brain are literally broken down and rebuilt.  A bout of paranoia can accompany the breaking down.  Teens, whose brains are undergoing dramatic changes as they move from children to adults may also experience bouts of paranoia. Brain growth is an excellent thing.  But few in our society are educated in how the (often painful) process happens.  Ignorance of this process continues to hurt many people and to limit or even stop their recovery.

So as we go through paranoia we may find ourselves curled up in fetal position, shaking uncontrollably, seeing and hearing things that may or may not be real.  Ordinary events take on massively dangerous overtones.  People frequently have periods of black out during which they forget hours or even days at a time.

I have experienced paranoia myself during periods of rapid brain growth.  Once, I actually noticed that sinister music would play in my head randomly at odd times.  I would hear that drop to a minor chord that you just KNOW means that you are the last teenager in camp and you’ve wandered away from the group and there’s a maniac psycho killer in the shadows about to pop out and make you die in humiliating, undignified ways, right?  THAT kind of music!

Phobia

Paranoia

Still, there are actual advantages to having experienced genuine paranoia.  Paranoia is so random, causeless, and absurd that when you’ve gone through it a few times you can actually begin to separate yourself from the emotion of fear.  You notice that its just a random set of physical sensations without any real cause.  You can step outside the emotional experience of fear and say, “How odd that my hands are shaking.  Funny how rapidly my heart is beating for no reason.  Why does this sweat feel cold to me, yet my face feels hot and flushed?”

When you reach that point simple fear starts to feel like a joke!  Phobias are like a walk in the park.  Even the next bout of paranoia becomes like a great roller-coaster ride.  You feel it coming and you buckle down the safety bar.  You keep your hands and arms inside the ride at all times.  On the first big hill you shout, “Woo-Hoo!” After a few turns you think, “How long is this stupid ride??” As you round the last few twists and turns you tighten your sphincter and try hard not to puke.  Then as it jerks into the station and slows to a stop you start to laugh like a maniac, slap some friends on the back and go check your shorts.  That is paranoia.

Paranoia roller-coaster.

Paranoia roller-coaster.

4. PTSD

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is a special case that very few therapist even know how to sort out.  It can be debilitating but it doesn’t have to be permanent or incurable.  PTSD is similar to phobias in that it has a cause in the past (this life) and as with phobia the individual has suffered a painful emotional trauma that has broken off a piece of the soul.  However, PTSD is different in that the individual is forced to go back into the same situation that broke them over and over again.  Maybe its part of your job.  Maybe its someone in your home.  Maybe you live in a bad part of town.

Shattered spirit can be healed.

Shattered spirit can be healed.

Whatever it is you have to pull your broken parts together and face the risk of more trauma again and again.  So what happens is that broken part of you gets walled off in a room with no windows or doors.  Shut inside that small room that part of your spirit has no chance to heal or recover and now it cannot even be found.  The spirit does this because if its your job to face trauma, you cannot afford to have a phobic reaction that causes you to freeze and go fetal outside your workplace each morning. So the part gets isolated so that you can’t hear it screaming.

Our broken spirit gets locked down in PTSD.

Our broken spirit gets locked down in PTSD.

Instead of the typical phobic reaction, people with PTSD may simply experience gaps.  They often cannot remember the painful details of the traumatic event(s) because the memories are locked up with the broken shards of spirit.  They may quite simply be UNABLE to perform certain tasks or face certain situations.  Whenever they go into any situation that subconsciously reminds them of their trauma, they may experience an energy drain.  They may need time alone in a quiet familiar place after such experiences.  Because the traumatized part cannot heal, they may need quiet time after any sort of social or emotional stimulation.

PTSD can be healed and people can recover from any trauma no matter how deep.

PTSD can be healed and people can recover from any trauma no matter how deep.

What most folks, including many well-meaning therapists do NOT realize is that PTSD cannot be healed by force.   Traditional therapy says that talking about emotional trauma helps us to heal.  But this is the opposite of healing in cases of  PTSD.  Talking about the trauma actually introduces a new threat of trauma that can force the broken piece deeper into hiding.

Healing PTSD requires a gentle process of finding and opening locked rooms and then nurturing, and rehabilitating the broken shards.  In my practice, this happens quickly and almost unconsciously. Once the part has recovered then the person will spontaneously remember and want to talk about the damaging events…once.  From there, the memories can finally be put to rest, far at the back of the mind where the lessons are extracted but the experience itself becomes drained of its ability to cause pain ever again.  If a person continues to want to talk about their suffering, something has not been healed.

Remarkably, people who are able to recover from PTSD (or phobia, or paranoia) actually become stronger emotionally than the average.  Healing and rehabilitating their broken spirit creates a stability, a nobel depth of character and often a deep and resourceful cache of courage that unbroken people cannot attain.  Those who have been so harshly tested by life, with proper healing, become some of the strongest and most compassionate leaders among us.

If you know someone who has suffered trauma resulting in any of the more lasting forms of “fear” know that I am a therapist who can kindly and gently help them get their lives, and their spirits, back – whole and better than ever before.

How to Take Charge of Your Sex Life – for Men

I got a lot of positive feedback from readers of last weeks blog, How to Take Charge of Your Sex Life.  Some of the feedback I got was from men who hoped I could write on the subject from the male perspective. Yes, actually I can. Over the past 15 years, lots of men have opened up and told me many many things that I am absolutely positive they aren’t telling each other.  In fact, MOST had never told anyone before me.  (Just because I care enough to listen and I’m completely non-judgmental.)

Let me begin with a little warning: helping the men is going to be a lot more difficult.

Mainly the difficulty is simply that the problems are still invisible. Back in the 1960’s women began liberating themselves. I myself had a subscription to Ms. Magazine when I was only 12y.o. That was about 40 years ago. We women have had some trials & some errors during that process. However, Men have not even begun their liberation yet.  At least not straight men.

To solve the problem, we must first see the problem. The problem with liberating women was a many-hundred-year tradition of indoctrinating little girls with long lists of things they were not allowed to DO or to ACT.  The problem with liberating men is just as long a tradition of beating into little boys that they are not allowed to FEEL or to BE. See the difference? The message delivered to boys is delivered with emotional and physical violence – as the norm, not just the occasional horror. AND the message says the very core of who they are is WRONG.  Boys are taught they are wrong to feel.  Boys are taught they are wrong to BE anything except a narrow & absurd societal ideal of manhood.  Still, since we’re all grown ups now, we can all take charge of ourselves and our own liberation. So, that’s the good news.

Grown men often still feel that they are wrong to have the sex drive that they are, in fact, hardwired to have.  The female sex drive goes up and down, round and round with circumstances but male drive is like clockwork.  Male urges and drives occur with regularity apparently based only on the passage of time.  Knowing nothing of these differences, men often go into marriage thinking that the woman they love will simply be periodically horny, like they are.   They assume that the arrangement guarantees that their woman will want sex with them on a regular basis.   When this magic fails to happen, men often feel hurt and then angry.   It feels like rejection, but its not.   Its simply another painful misunderstanding based on the myths.

Grown men still deny emotions – the most basic of humanizing experiences.  And many young men were shocked to discover that sex, even the most casual sex, is accompanied by a BIG emotional kick.  Then to make matters worse, men are raised with the myth they THEY and not women are in charge of sex, when they really have no clue.  Without the tools to navigate powerful emotions or any handbook for grasping women’s complexities, grown men can find their sex lives becoming a sort of scary tar pit.  The pull is enormous, the emotions are overwhelming, and they have limited solutions and no one to turn to for help – especially in a committed relationship.

So let me tackle the problem in stages.  Let’s suppose the problem of a sex life that is dead in the water is simply one of mechanics.  Let’s suppose you simply need more information about how to keep the woman in your life interested in sex…with you.  This is the second reason helping the men is more challenging.  Men and their sex drives are simple and very similar from man to man.  Women and their sex drives are complex, nuanced, and almost entirely unique from woman to woman.  In other words, what you learned from any sexual experience with other women is almost completely useless.  (The good news here is – if you ever thought your lack of sexual experience was a bad thing – its not. In fact, if you have NO actual sexual experience but have fantasized a lot about it?  You are MORE likely to have useful skills than the highly experienced men.)

Enough about that.  Now for the FUN stuff!

The Fun Stuff

When a man has sex with the woman he loves he feels happy, loved, and good about himself.  For a woman to even want sex with her man, however, she must first feel happy, loved and good about herself.  So we are built in reverse! This seems like an impossible dilemma until you realize this simple fact: If both partners focus on making sure that woman feels loved, happy and good about herself we both end up with what we want!

So the challenge for re-igniting women is NOT to get them interested in sex, but to get them to Feel Sexy. Instead of focusing on the act of sex, focus on getting her to feel happy, sexy and good about herself.  Here’s how:

  1. Appreciation. Find something in her life that she’s good at or interested in & take an interest in it yourself. Learn about it, ask about it, and watch her do it. (Faking it a little is okay) Most importantly, admire her and tell her specifically how/why she’s good at it. (i.e. “You’re so creative.”)
  1. Attention. Suppose she doesn’t have any hobbies that you can tell – look at what’s going on with her. If she’s going through menopause, read a little about it, ask good questions, tell her what a trouper she is, etc. If noting else is apparent – take an interest in “the relationship”.  Get one of John Gray’s “Men are from Mars, women are from Venus” books, read a little and “accidentally” let her see it lying around.  Take her to chick flicks and ask questions about why the women do or say this or that.
If you can make her laugh, you're half way there!

If you can make her laugh, you’re half way there!

  1. Touch. Touch her as much as possible.  Most of the touching should be non-sexual.  Sexual touching will only make her angry at this point.  Whenever you are near her ‘accidentally” touch her in some way.  Brush up against her, touch her arm when you want to talk to her or ask her something.  Slightly touch her hand when she hands you something.  Touch her back or shoulder as a signal that you’re passing behind her or need to get by (instead of “excuse me”)  Hug every time you say ‘Hello’ or ‘goodbye’…kiss her (in a non-sexual cheek or forehead way) every time you come in or go out of the house..every time you come into the room she’s in., etc. Hold her hand.  When you’re together in public always stay in contact (without being obvious) put your hand on her waist or back, brush imaginary dust from her clothes or imaginary hair from her eyes.  When she does her hair touch it lightly & tell her how good it looks.  When she hasn’t done her hair touch it & tell her how good it feels.Every day when you get home, lift up her hair & kiss the back of her neck.  This is especially effective.  If you’re not a very touchy kind of guy, just start with this one daily.  It may be all you need.
All the ladies go Mmmmm

All the ladies go Mmmmm!

  1. Listen. Let her talk about her problems.  Just don’t offer ANY solutions unless she asks.  This is just a bonding ritual for women.  Men do things together to bond; women talk to bond.  When you really listen, that translates to “he’s interested in me.”  When you offer solutions that translates to “he thinks I’m not competent to solve my own problems.”  An important point here: listening means not just open eyes & closed mouth, it means asking probing questions, sharing similar experiences or saying things like “I understand” (even when you have no clue) or “Let me get this right…(summarize or repeat)” or “So you mean to say…(summarize or repeat)”. Listening well shows compassion.  Compassion is very sexy.
  1. Compliments & gifts. These are wonderful, terrible things.  Women can never get enough of either because to us they “mean” things.  The problem here is if she’s not expecting a gift or complement she’s going to think, “What does that mean?”  So the biggest challenge is to make sure it doesn’t mean, “I want to have sex.” (Okay, realistically all gifts & compliments from men to women probably mean “I want to have sex with you.” On some level.  But just play along here.)  Make sure it means something wonderful about her like, “You’re a great person.” “You deserve to be pampered.” “I love to spend time with you.” “You’re stunning” etc., etc. Don’t work too hard on this; just be prepared to explain what it means. Romantic gifts are always best:   Flowers, jewelry, spa pampering, romantic getaways…. (don’t stray too far from this list! Because if you try to get her something else & its not her taste? It will mean you don’t know her. And that is poison.)   Sexy gifts, like lingerie, are great once you get her interested in sex again but NOT before.
"Nice pants" See how well that works?

See how that compliment makes you feel?

Consider these 5 steps foreplay.  Any women reading this are probably already beginning to sigh and glow a bit.   If you’re doing these things regularly she’s going to get interested in sex regularly.  If you wait for someone or something else to make her feel sexy again – she’s going to be interested in sex with someone else, not you.

Keep in mind that a woman who is sort of ‘turned off’ and has been living with you is going to be a bit suspicious if your foreplay steps are overt.  In other words, like Inception, you must plant the idea so deep in her mind that she thinks it came from herself, not you.  The key then is subtlety.  Casual, subtle, frequent touch and attention with no demands.  DO NOT expect to even get her attention the first three times.  If she doesn’t notice at first, you’re doing everything just right!

Now, there’s one other thing you need to know: we women multitask. We focus on many different things at one time. Unfortunately, that can spell disaster if even one part of that female brain gets focused on the ringing phone, the waiting chores, the deadline or the children during lovemaking. So for great sex every component of that multi-tasking brain needs to be focused on her own pleasure. It is to your advantage to minimize all non-sexual distractions (this means planning, dates, weekends away, hotel rooms, or babysitters) and maximize the places & sensations she is feeling pleasure – from her hungry little heart to every possible inch of her luscious body.

I don’t mean to say you have to pay for a vacation every time you want sex. But let’s just say you haven’t had sex in a year or two. If you could pay for a moderately priced hotel room once a month and actually get laid every month, would you do it? Of course you would. So do that a few times till you get things back on track. Then you can drop down to buying a room once or twice a year. (Let me also mention Hotwire.com cheap hotel rooms in your city.)

The Actual Sex

You probably jumped ahead to this section when the earlier paragraphs got dull, right? That’s ok, because it tells you something. Mostly, it tells you about how men and women are wired differently for sex. You read ‘SEX’ in the title wanted to get right to the juicy stuff. That’s actually a good way to read any ‘How To’. But after you read the juicy parts, go back to the stuff you skipped over because that’s probably what you’re skipping over in your actual sex life and that’s the stuff that will turn your woman from kitten to tiger on a regular basis.

The main thing men should know about women when it comes to actual sex is this: women get MORE interested in penetration AFTER orgasm than before. It feels better, we can enjoy it more, and even the most sensitive and delicate of women can crave a good pounding AFTER the big ‘O’. Also, there’s nothing wrong with you coming relatively fast. Most women who like sex still think the whole penetration part should be done and over in 10 minutes or less. I think the prolonging of the in-and-out is just good in the movies. Besides, if you’ve gotten that far, your woman can ask you to wait if she’s on the verge of another big bang…and I promise she will, IF she’s already been there once, because she will be THAT uninhibited.

That piece of information alone could be enough to turn things around. But if you want to keep a woman interested in sex you have to keep learning how to please her. NOT learning new and different moves, necessarily, just learning more and more about HER. She will change. Her body will change. Her sexual responses will change. What she likes will change. So to keep sex fun and fresh, you only have to learn how she looks, sounds, moves and otherwise responds to pleasure. Does her breathing become deep and raspy? Do her eyes dilate, sparkle, or change color? Does she gasp, moan, groan, or sigh? Stay alert to her response and you will keep learning her body and keep surprising her with your amazing talents.

Sex Talk

Let me just explain briefly why asking her what she wants or likes is not going to turn out well. Have you ever called tech support over the phone? A techy from India answers and you try to explain your trouble. He begins to help you by asking, “Is your computer turned on?” Right? Now, imagine your response is “I don’t know.” You hear a sigh & then he tries to talk you all the way through beginning with “Where is the on button?” up to “How do I remove this spyware and win my new game?” and you’re not even sure he’s speaking your language. Now imagine the Indian man is your woman. Imagine you are the caller. Even if you do know where the “on” button is located, maybe you’re pushing it too hard or too fast. And if you can’t actually tell whether or not that computer is “on” or not? Can you see how this whole scenario is more likely to end in frustration and fights than sighs and moans? Right, well that’s what its like.

positions2

Are we having FUN yet?

 

Now, I’m not saying you should NEVER ask for tech support, ok? I’m just suggesting that the timing is important. If she’s already naked and breathing hard – that’s NOT a good time! A good time would be, say, in the middle of her work day. By text or email. Because then that kind of tech support is going to seem pretty fun by comparison to the daily grind. And by the time she get’s home you can be pretty sure the hardware will be ON and humming.

Creative positions.

Creative positions.

Positions

I’ll just touch briefly on this mainstay of male sexuality. I know a lot of men get focused on positions as a source of variety and excitement in a ltr. That’s fine, but you really should be aware that most women don’t think much about positions. Or care. So its NOT going to be exciting as a topic of discussion. Its just another difference in perspective between men and women. See, most women think positions are something that happens when you’re so keyed up that you just can’t lie still. Which means, if your woman has not yet gotten interested in positions? She’s NOT getting very turned on.

That’s actually GOOD NEWS.  It means there’s much more in store than you have yet witnessed!  The other good news is that you don’t HAVE to talk about it.  (The obvious exception being anal. Talk! Use good thick lube. Get her to lead you.)  All you have to do is work on the all-day-foreplay, watch her responses, and then simply shift her into the position(s) you have in mind.  How easy is that?

Positions!

New Positions!

Here’s a little anecdote: I once worked in an all female office,which was completely great!  One day I walked out into the front office to find all the gals discussing their favorite sexual positions.  They immediately reported that three of them favored doggy-style and they asked me my favorite.  I had never been asked, or even thought about it.  But I quickly thought and then described a position I really enjoyed.  All of my co-workers turned to me at once and gasped, “You pig!”  There wasn’t anything violent or offensive about it.  It was just a bit too me-centric for the female mind.

My point here, and I do have a point, is three-fold.

  1. Lots of women like doggy style.
  2. Women’s main problem with sex is that they are NOT SELFISH ENOUGH to really enjoy it properly.
  3. There may be more fun positions than you’ve ever imagined just waiting to be released from the mind of your woman, and all you have to do is #1-5 above.

Also, see how one of the nice effects of women’s liberation is that ordinary women may be standing around the office right now talking about sex and their favorite positions?  That’s a little bonus foreplay YOU don’t have to deliver! Just be sure to ask her, “How was your day?” when she gets home. And this time REALLY listen.  (And DON’T call her a pig, because more selfish just means more interested.)

Sky's the limit!

Sky’s the limit!

Last But Not Least

If what I’ve written from “The Fun Stuff” on is enough to get the zing back in your life, congratulations! If not, its time to look a bit closer at Men’s Liberation – i.e. YOU.

A.) IF all of the above seems like way too much work? You are in a relationship with the wrong person. Plain and simple. Maybe you’re with the wrong woman, in which case PLEASE do her a favor and let her go so she can find someone who genuinely wants to do all that “work” for her. People get into relationships, especially marriage, for a whole bunch of the WRONG reasons. So don’t tell yourself that you’re sticking with it for her, or for the kids – you are just afraid of change. Love is not how you feel, its something you do for another person. If loving your wife feels like work, she is suffering and the kids are suffering. The children’s lives will only get worse when they grow up to recreate a loveless marriage just like Mommy and Daddy. Please find the courage to do the right thing and dissolve the relationship. If there are kids involved you will always be related, so find a way to transition into a functional non-intimate relationship, without resentment or jealousy. THAT is doing the right thing for the kids.

B.) Notice I said, you are with the wrong person? And not the wrong woman? That’s because if all of the above sounds like work & not fun, you may not be completely straight. Happily, there is a lot more freedom and safety for exploring your own sexuality these days. Please take the time and courage to broaden your mind and your life. If you have been the kind of man who is “Anti-gay” or has a strong negative reaction to homosexuality? It is most likely because you have felt some sexual stirrings for other men that scare the crap out of you. Its ok. There is a wide range of normal and healthy. AND men require almost none of the ‘work’ mentioned above to keep them interested in sex. Most importantly, its NO ONE’s business but your own. Free your mind, soul, and body from the myths.

C.)If all of the above sounds good but you can’t bring yourself to act on it?  You may be broken.  As I mentioned before, the raising of boys in Western culture is rife with emotional, physical, and sexual violence.  If you were subject to this violence at an early age, you may not even remember.  It may have become part of the wallpaper, the ‘white noise’ of childhood and you may want to defend such violence as “normal” or “non-damaging”.  These are lies.  But if you have sustained an interest in sexuality long enough to read all this, there is still HOPE.  In fact, there is every reason to believe you can be healed and go on to have an excellent sex life and truly happy relationships!

Blame & denial will not heal anyone. Working on yourself will.

Blame & denial will not heal anyone. Working on yourself will.

If its Broken Fix It

When people go through an intense emotional blow part of the soul breaks off.  If that happens during childhood or comes from parents and teachers, people who are supposed to protect us?  It can result in things like ADHD, bipolar behavior, and even multiple personalities.  These conditions are a lot more common than we expect.  You can work on healing yourself (see Sexual Healing) and I have successfully healed many patients with these signs and others.

Jealousy is a sure mark of brokenness.   Anthony Robbins (The Power of Emotions) describes jealousy as the emotional signal that we have located what we want – but we believe we cannot have it.  The belief that we can’t get what we want is a crippling belief of a crippled soul.   We CAN have everything our heart desires but we have to learn and we have to work on ourselves.   No whole person needs to feel jealousy.  In fact whole people usually move on from any relationship or person who makes them jealous.

It is only broken people who stay with relationships that trigger jealousy.  A broken person may even think jealousy is a sign of love.  That idea is what motivates people to try to make their partner jealous.   This is a widely accepted belief, almost a norm.  That only tells you how common emotional and sexual abuse is in our culture.  So if you accept jealousy in relationships or even crave jealousy in others, you’re NOT alone.  However it is time to get some help.  You will be very glad you did.

Start Here

Take a look in the mirror.  Look yourself in the eye and say, “I love you.  You’re beautiful.”  If you can’t do it, if you can’t make eye contact or say the words sincerely, or honestly feel love for yourself, that’s simply another sign that you have been broken.  But keep at it.  Do this exercise every morning in the privacy of your own bathroom and you will begin to heal yourself.  You can reclaim your life.  You can renew your sexual self and you can begin to live and love life like never before!  And no one even has to know.

Its healthy to love the man in the mirror.

You can also write me:      clearmirrorhealing@yahoo.com

Message me:    Clear Mirror Healing on Facebook

Or make an appointment and get it done:  Clearmirrorhealing.com        also:   504-312-3097

You may also like –  Taking Charge of Your Sex Life    Sexual Healing       Man Speak – Woman Speak

Positive Self Talk

 

 

2015 FTW!!

Here we are starting a brand new year!   And here I am ready to help YOU make it a great one!  You may have made resolutions in past years that didn’t stick, but not this time!  Let me break it down for you:

Studies have shown that only about 8-10% of people who make resolutions are successful.  (http://www.forbes.com/sites/dandiamond/2013/01/01/just-8-of-people-achieve-their-new-years-resolutions-heres-how-they-did-it/)  Why is that?  Well, do the math!  The conscious mind makes up only 10% of the brain’s amazing power and ability.  That’s right!  That is the SAME 10% that led to the myth that humans are only using 10% of their brain.  And when the task measuring brain use involves concentration and focus (both Conscious activities) the myth is TRUE!  Well, friends, WILLPOWER is also a function of the Conscious mind.  So no matter how strong willed you are, its still only a 10% effort.

BUT, all is not lost!  Because your Subconscious mind makes up around 50-60% of your brain’s own WOW factor.  And your Unconscious taps into the remainder for a full 100% of  your amazing abilities!!!  (http://www.pinterest.com/pin/406238828862757230/)

Resolutions2

So yes, the “we only use 10% of our brain” is a myth.  But not for the reasons this naysayer gives:   http://www.snopes.com/science/stats/10percent.asp  (really? would it hurt you to use some actual FACTS instead of just your arrogance?)   Scientists measured people’s brain impulses while they were doing challenging tasks & the brain only lit up (showing use) in regions making up 10%.  It was, of course, that same 10% that your conscious mind uses when doing new tasks.  With the help of this hypnotherapist the scientists could set up new studies with tasks that use the subconscious and they would show what that ‘other 90%’ is used for.  But I digress…

My MAIN POINT is that you, my friend, can make your New Years resolutions a reality by tapping into the powerful Subconscious and Unconscious mind!  It works like this: your Conscious mind is the part you identify as YOU.  So when you focus, try hard, or use will power, that’s all Conscious YOU.  But you have 2 powerful co-captains!  Subconscious YOU is just below the radar.  Its helping you out all the time by taking over detailed but routine tasks and doing them for you.  Subconscious YOU is what you might call your Auto-pilot.   So when you “zone out” while doing things, that is when your amazing Subconscious takes over.  Just think how much easier it would be if you could exercise on auto-pilot!  (click on the pic below for more!)

NY Weight Loss

Unconscious YOU is much deeper. Generally, it is well below the conscious radar.  Unconscious You controls the beating of your heart, the digesting of your food, the healing and rebuilding of every cell and system in your body.  If you can work with Unconscious YOU, you could even find out why you’ve been gaining weight and fix it, heal disease better and faster, or access the unlimited memory stores to solve problems at the speed of thought.  When the Unconscious takes over and helps you out, it can often FEEL like someone else has gotten control of your mind.  If you freak out and grapple for control – then you end up right back to using only 10% of the mighty, mighty YOU.  If you stay relaxed and go with the flow, it can feel like MAGIC!  Success is fun and easy all of a sudden!

So here’s one last point.  You don’t get to the 100% by being a control freak.  Or by trying real hard. Or by willpower.  YOU get there by relaxing, by trusting the other parts of YOU – Subconscious & Unconscious.  You get there by realizing these other parts of your mind ARE YOU, with your happiness & your best interest at heart.  You get there by kicking back, zoning out, and riding the mighty wave of you own whole brain power.  That’s right!  YOU are far greater than you’ve been lead to believe!  Far greater than you’ve even yet allowed yourself to become!

With a relaxed mind and body YOU, my friend, can tap into a 100% WIN this year and I can help you!!!   In this article and on links are several great MONEY SAVING offers to help you get started on the way to a GREAT NEW YEAR & an even greater NEW YOU!  Cash in!!

Click on the pic for more!

+ Click on the pic for more!

You can print out the certificate, or just mention the special when you call to book your appointment at:   Clear Mirror Healing in Newport News, VA.

 

Why the New Epidemics Require a New Immunity

The old paradigm for the immune system describes a war in which our immune systems build weaponry, fight, and destroy any incoming life forms. But that old analogy isn’t working in the face of so many new epidemics, like Ebola, SARS, and AIDS, to name just a few. In recent years many new forms of disease have emerged that seem to be mutating and becoming more virulent so rapidly that our old style immune systems cannot keep pace.

To understand why, consider what happens when a country is invaded by an enemy and goes to war on their own land. The outcome is rarely positive. Even if the invaded country can repel the invaders, the infrastructure, the economy, and the people of the country are left devastated & drained of resources. If a new enemy should suddenly invade at that time, the country will, no doubt, succumb to the revenges of war and go down.

Imagine this country is your body and the invading enemies are various forms of disease. If you should sustain an attack of flu this winter, you will have precious few resources left to defend yourself against Ebola. The future looks bleak.

Now consider, if you will, a different sort of paradigm. Suppose your immune system were the recruiters for a championship team. Suppose every newcomer was a potential new recruit. Instead of trying to kill these newcomers on sight, what if your body were meeting them, making introductions and then giving them a little job to do for the good of the team?

Those newcomers who learned the job well became new team members. Outfitted with the team shirt and cap, they are then asked to improve on the job they had just learned to do. Now the newcomers are teaching us how to run our bodies more efficiently and effectively. They are now a valued member of the team and have a vested interest in the well being of the whole. Rather than expending our limited resources waging war, we are increasing our resources and power with each new recruit who joins the team.

Wouldn’t that system work much better? Of course it would, you say, but that’s not the way the immune system functions. Well, that’s where you’re wrong. In the first place the “Us & Them” war mentality is just an old mental concept. We interpreted the function of our immune system in those terms because that was all our minds could understand at the time. Now we can begin to grasp a different paradigm.

Then there’s the second place. In the second place, everything we believe and conceive we are telling our bodies daily in our “self talk”. (see blog: Positive Self Talk) By indoctrinating our bodies into our belief system we convince them to operate the way we think they should. If we can begin to embrace a new paradigm, we can quite literally build a new immune system, an immune system that can survive epidemic after epidemic and actually come out stronger than before.

We are no longer faced with the impossible task of hiding from all exposure to microbes.  Rather than fearing exposure to new diseases we should be strengthening our overall constitution and then seeking out new microbe exposure.  A strong team starts with a strong liver, for processing toxins, strong kidneys for cleaning the blood, and a strong mental attitude of “Win-Win”.  There is no room for an outdated “Us & Them” philosophy.  There are no walls big enough or strong enough to keep “Them” out.  But with a process that integrates all newcomers into Team Us, there is a way to live in peace, both within our bodies and in the greater world at large.

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DON’T WORRY, DON’T PANIC, DO TAKE ACTION

 

How to Build a New Winning Immunity

How to Build a New Winning Immunity