If you’re like most parents you often feel overwhelmed, maybe even irritated with your kids for needing so much of your time. I’m here to help. When I was at home with two pre-scholers I noticed they reached a point each day when it was like someone flipped a switch and they became ADHD. I tried a bunch of things, but then I found a solution.
Face Time
Each day, as soon as you get home from work or school, you need to prioritize EACH child with face time. EACH child needs about half an hour of your undivided attention. By that I mean no cellular devices, no doing chores, no talking to someone else, and NO talking AT your child. You come in, you sit down on the floor in front of your child and you ask them, “How are you doing? How was your day?” Then you listen. To. them. You don’t give advice or opinions unless they ask you something directly. And even if they do ask a specific question, you let them lose interest or change the subject without reprimand. If they want to play, you sit down and play THEIR game. You let them tell you what to do. And you do that for a full half hour. Then you go on and do it with the next child.
Once you’ve done it successfully for awhile, without interrupting or redirecting, you’ll begin to notice that this is a nice way to relax. You’ll start to benefit from this time as well. You don’t have to do anything and you don’t have to be in charge, you just have to engage your full attention with your child.
The cool thing is, if you make this your first priority at the end of each day, your child will feel loved and will not NEED to demand your attention. They will have the attention they need from a parent. They will also be better able to pay attention once they get into school. And it only takes 30 minutes – IF you make it your priority. If you wait or try to do other things first, or only give partial attention, it will take more, and more, and more to fulfill your child’s basic need for adult attention.
Here’s another trick that will keep your kids from getting those super high energy, ADHD-like periods:
The Great Outdoors
Every day from toddlerhood on up to adolescence, children need about an hour in the great outdoors. They need to run and play, shout and throw, and use their “outdoor voices”. If children don’t get outside regularly they don’t learn the difference between indoor and outdoor voices and all that noise ends up in your living room…then in the classroom. Plus they just hit some kind of a wall where all the pent up energy comes out.
The first time a child goes into the woods they will pick up a stick and wack things with it. Its best that you create a simple rule like, “You can either hold a stick OR run, but not both.” Because a child of any age running with a stick is a recipe for injuries. There’s no limit to the ways a stick can get jabbed into a child’s body, particularly the eyes. So state the rule in a loud clear voice before you reach the woods & repeat it calmly and loudly as many times as you must (while taking the stick gently from their hands and slowing their run). Obviously, its best to start outdoor play in a playground or grassy field. But sooner or later they will need to explore trees and you will need to make the rule clear. Once a child reaches middle school or older they will be going into the woods with or without you and I can guarantee they will be picking up sticks and running, and there will be accidents. UNLESS you have drummed this simple rule into them. So think of the first dozen times in the woods as training for when they’re older. Hold a stick OR run, never both.
You may think a rainy day means inside play. It does not. You will find that sometime after lunch and before dinner the children will go wild and drive you crazy with their ADHD-like madness. So on rainy days dress your child in old, second-hand clothes, small rubber boots, and a raincoat. Dress yourself the same way. Take them out to the play area to stomp in puddles and make mud-pies. During heavy rains you can take them in a stroller for a walk around to look and feel all the familiar places full of water. Water (and mud) is very stimulating for little children, so if you go early enough you may be able to limit the outdoor play to a good walk of only 30 minutes, with some stomping. But if you wait till they get wound up you will have to plan on the usual hour, plus a good half hour of stripping off wet clothes and cleaning up.
Every day. I can’t say that enough.
You may think that I’m saying that using Face Time & The Great Outdoors will mean you can leave your kids alone the rest of the day. No, I’m saying this will keep them from driving you mad and turning you into a great big shouting meanie saying “NO!” every few minutes. However, if you do The Great Outdoors right after lunch it will probably tire them out and buy you a good long nap when you get home.
These two techniques don’t really apply to babies. So here’s a word about them.
Babies
Up to a certain age babies need to be carried at all times. So get yourself something to strap the baby securely to your chest and you can still use your arms to push a grocery cart or do small tasks. African women strap their babies to their backs to do gardening. You have to know some good tying techniques and have the help of another person to get this done, and you’ll need to wait till the baby’s old enough to want to see something other than your face. Very young babies must be strapped on facing you. This trains them to feel secure and will help them to be independent later on. Its like depositing money in a bank – the bank of security is paid in attention.
If you’re short on cash, you can make a baby carrier from an old sheet cut into a long strip about 2 feet wide. You may need to sew a few strips together depending on your size and the size of the baby. Here are a few tying techniques: link You can and should do Face Time with a baby but it will be different because they can’t sit up…or talk.
Baby Face Time
Put a small blanket on the floor and lay your baby on one side. Lie down beside your baby and play some happy music. Then together dance on the floor while lying down. Happy music doesn’t have to be baby music. Most any classical music and most hip hop has a happy beat without any loud scary notes. (Just be aware of any words in the song you may be teaching baby too soon.) Learning to dance to happy music is just as important as learning letters or learning manners, for your baby.
Later on you can use this happy dance time to teach other things. Introduce new smells to baby by gathering different scents on cotton balls or in cups: orange peel, lemon peel, flowers, vinegar, vanilla, a drop of essential oils. Just avoid any thing like ammonia or hot pepper that could burn baby’s little nose. Then you can use other senses, like different textures or things that make funny sounds when squeezed. Anything that stimulates the baby’s 4 senses (avoid taste until they’re off breastmilk or formula) are educational at this stage because they grow baby’s brain.
The Egg Trick
Once a baby can sit up on their own you can buy yourself about 30 minutes to cook dinner with this messy trick. Strip baby down to their diaper and sit them on the kitchen floor (or, if you’re clever, a plastic sheet or shower curtain) beside you. Place a whole raw egg lovingly in front of baby like a special gift. In the time it takes for the baby to explore the egg till it breaks, explore the sticky whites, then the golden yolk till it breaks, then spread a thin layer of egg all over their little body, you will have had quiet, hands free time to make a meal. Then you simply take off the diaper, quickly wash the baby in the sink, dress them (wipe the floor with paper towels or pop the clever plastic sheet into the tub) and dinner will be ready. Most importantly the baby and you will be all smiles and ready to eat in peace.
An older baby might enjoy this trick with a banana, most any fruit with a peel and squishy inside, a (partially opened) jello or pudding cup, or some raw biscuit dough. You can also try putting baby in a bouncy seat with a tray for this special alone play time. The Key is keeping baby busy, safe, and under your watchful, if distracted eye for about 30 min. Forget about the rest, like keeping clean, doesn’t matter. Babies are easy to wash.
Chores are Fun!
As soon as a child is old enough to walk and talk, grab and release things from their chubby little hands, they are old enough to learn chores. The most important thing to teach the children is that Cleaning Is Fun. The most important thing to remember as an adult is that you are training the child for a lifetime of chores. They will not be any good at cleaning or picking up to start, but by teaching chores like a little game they will be preparing to help later in life. It may be a drag to know that you will still be doing all the actual cleaning, but I promise its much LESS of a drag than having teenagers who don’t know how to clean and worse yet, hate cleaning.
So wake up one Saturday morning, clap your hands together with as much fake joy as you can muster and say, “It’s cleaning day! This will be fun!” Then remember to keep the whole ordeal fun and say, “Good work!” to the child whenever they get tired of one game (chore) and “Let me take a turn!” as you do the actual chore yourself. Keep a smile on your face and happy enthusiasm in your voice and repeat the game (chores) at least once a week. Soon your children will be just as enthusiastic about cleaning as you pretend to be. Not too long after that they will actually have some competent ability to do a few “favorite” chores.
Pick Up
One good game to start with is called “Pick Up”. As in “Please pick up your toys.” Small people don’t know how to pick up so make it into a game, pretend its fun, and be prepared to do most of the effective work your self, with a smile. Also, be aware that Pick Up is harder than most cleaning chores and it may take much longer for this to become a favorite.
Start by getting tools from the kitchen: tongs, big serving spoons, etc., one for you and each of the children. Go into the play room and demonstrate how to Pick Up by scooping up toys from the floor and dumping them into a big bin (toy box). If you have an organized scheme for which toys go where, forget all about that. Its too much work. Just off the floor and into a bin. Then invite the kids to join you by picking up toys with their tongs or spoons and dumping them into the toy box. You can add a little competetion by giving out points for each toy deposited and giving a prize (perhaps a small snack) to the “winners”. Except remember you are always going to be the winner for several years so when you win announce that your favorite prize is a graham cracker and milk for everyone! Once a child finally “wins” let them pick out the snack and who gets to have it. The second place winner (you) can still request graham crackers and milk for everyone else.
Sweeping, Mopping, and Vacuuming
This is a much easier game than Pick Up but you will need to have a little toy broom, mop and vacuum. From there the game is similar. Clap your hands with joy and say brightly, “Everyone get a cleaning toy! Its time for sweeping and mopping!” The children choose their favorite toy tool and start their turn. “Turns” should last about 10 minutes, or less if the child starts to lose interest. After the child’s turn you say, “Good job! Now let me take a turn.” You use the real broom or vacuum (“because you’re big”) and actually get the job done.
Your actual goal is to keep the kids busy and keep them from making messes faster than you can clean. The other goal is to train them to A) enjoy chores and B) learn how to clean. People aren’t born knowing how to clean or even what “clean” looks like. You have to show them. So keep the game friendly and fun. Remember your turn is always last because you get the real work done.
After playing this game for a few months I walked into the kitchen to find my oldest smiling and standing with the mop in the center of what can only be called a disaster. The kitchen floor had about half an inch of water with all kinds of debris floating in it. And the smiling child I’ve mentioned. I caught myself about to scream some profanity just in time to hear my child say proudly, “I mopped the floor for you!”. I sucked the profanity back in, put on a bright fake smile of my own and said, “Oh, thank you!! Why don’t I take a turn now?” I avoided traumatizing my child into hating chores and instead encouraged more “help”. So keep that in mind and catch yourself before any kind of anger over chores. One quick mop up is much better than a lifetime of lazy, sullen children who avoid chores. Don’t force. Don’t punish. Just thank and occasionally reward.
Bathroom
The bathroom is a fun little place to clean because, if the children are small enough, you can all work on separate jobs in the same room. Its fine to clean the bathroom using only water, or a vinegar water spray, for safety’s sake. Then when the kids are about middle-school age you can introduce scented cleaning products, if you like, warning them to keep it away from faces. The toilet has its own toilet brush. The tub and sink have a sponge. The counters can be wiped with damp paper towels or cleaning wipes and remember to remove all the bottle of products and then put them back. Three games in one room. Remember to take your turn after each child. Once they were old enough to choose their own chores, my youngest always chose the bathroom. And did a very good job right up through college!
Leveling Up!
If you use these little tools and are happy and enthusiastic about them you will soon find the child creating happy quiet little games on their own in their personal space. This is the ultimate WIN for parenting: You have taught your child to want alone time & to be creative at inventing alone games. This is the first step on the road to having independent children who entertain themselves. However, if you become grumpy or disappointed while playing these training games with your children, they will think that its their job to “cheer you up”. Small children will “cheer you up” by taking your face in their sticky little hands, looking deep into your eyes and patting you. This is not what you want more of. You want them to go away for a bit and leave you alone. So stay positive, smiling and enthusiastic during all “games” (training). If something goes wrong just say, “Let me have a turn”. And before long you will have earned the reward of children who prefer a little alone time just as much as you do!
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